At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.
The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
A guy goes to the doctor for a check up.
After some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that had not been used.”
The aircraft was cruising at thirty-five thousand feet and everyone had just finished having their lunch. The soft whining of the engines was coaxing passengers to sleep. Sitting in economy class , row 22 seat B, was an Anesthetist wiggling his toes in an attempt to prevent deep vein thrombosis developing in his feet.
As he sipped a complimentary glass of water , a frantic message came over the public address system; "Anesthetist urgently needed for someone in Business Class!"
Hoping that someone else would get up, our Anesthetist pretended not to hear and looked out of the window. The call came again; "Please ... we urgently need an Anaesthetist for someone in Business Class "
Perhaps this was serious . Why did they need an Anesthetist ? Maybe it was a cardiac arrest! Trying to recall the ABC's , the Anesthetist got the attention of one of the cabin staff.
They were so relieved; "Thank you Sir, for volunteering to help us. There is this gentleman who needs your urgent assistance in Business Class".The anesthesiologist was taken to the Business Class section.
Wow! There was so much space. It was another world compared to the cramped Economy Class. But where was the patient ? There were only a few passengers , and all were asleep except one of them who was reading a newspaper. Nobody seemed to be in any distress. This was perplexing .
Suddenly the man reading the newspaper looked up. He was a rather well fed gentleman and had a grumpy voice; " Are you an Anesthetist ?"
"Yes ... ?" "Oh .. that's great! I am an Orthopedic Surgeon , and have been looking for an Anesthetist . So glad that they managed to find one ...."
This was getting frightening. Was this man trying to do surgery in this aircraft ? The nervous Anesthetist managed to ask ; "How may I help you ?"
The surgeon replied; "Well I have been trying to read this newspaper ...but the reading light isn't aimed correctly. Can you please adjust it for me ...."
This 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while and then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says; "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right! And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
She says; "Well, he never mentioned anything about you ."
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday
One morning, the doctor and his wife were having a very heated argument over breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house on his way to the clinic, the doctor angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided that he had better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
The wife replied, "I was in bed."
Then the doctor asked, "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
His wife responded, "Getting a second opinion."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or any anaesthetic because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman!”; said the dentist; “Now, show me which tooth it is”
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
A man was brought to an hospital run by nuns, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a nun, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted.
"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's also a nun , is poor and is not married."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith, we nuns are not “unmarried”! We are married to God."
"Really? How Wonderful." said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a check up a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."
"What's that?", asks the millionaire.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.
Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies she dies."
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks," a guy told his friend.
"And did he?" asked the friend.
"Yes," the first guy replied. "I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
A woman, calling an Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The nurse on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
The caller said, "Thank you! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
The nurse said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The caller said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The nurse replied, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
The caller said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did some repairs and after ten minutes handed the doctor a bill for £ 800.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
"Doctor," says the worried patient, "Are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of kidney failure."
"Don't worry," says the doctor in an reassuring tone. "That won't happen with me as your doctor. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he'll die of pneumonia."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."
The doctor says; "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next please !